JadeOHayes
Site Founder
Where is the multiple-likes button? I. LOVE. IT.
The conversation. The swapping first-person view.
You know what ... those clever back and forth conversations, are your strength. Not only you could set the stage with the detailed surroundings, you are also very good at setting the situation through conversations. They are so natural, like normally two ppl who hate each other would say in real life, or in a movie.
Now, please don't lose the attention to the surroundings ...
" ... There is a long silence between them. Finally, Edward says, “Enjoy your little piece of hell,” he refers to the cell, “There’s going to be more where that came from…” He walks up the stairs to the deck. ..."
Tell us Edward's expression (his eyes rolls at the bars, his eyes piercing through like ... - for instance, hot iron cutting through a piece of ice, etc.). Hyperbole will work great in this story. I understand your conversations already set up our imagination to be able to imagine those things, and you liked to leave the imagination up to your readers - at least I could, I have pictured them in my mind, like a movie roll playing the scenes. But it is still good that sometimes the writer (you) points that out, to make sure conversation doesn't rush through readers' imaginations.
Like this: "... Edward angry rattles the jail bars. ..." I love that.
But you always deliver. Whatever you present, is always great. Outstanding work!
The conversation. The swapping first-person view.
You know what ... those clever back and forth conversations, are your strength. Not only you could set the stage with the detailed surroundings, you are also very good at setting the situation through conversations. They are so natural, like normally two ppl who hate each other would say in real life, or in a movie.
Now, please don't lose the attention to the surroundings ...
" ... There is a long silence between them. Finally, Edward says, “Enjoy your little piece of hell,” he refers to the cell, “There’s going to be more where that came from…” He walks up the stairs to the deck. ..."
Tell us Edward's expression (his eyes rolls at the bars, his eyes piercing through like ... - for instance, hot iron cutting through a piece of ice, etc.). Hyperbole will work great in this story. I understand your conversations already set up our imagination to be able to imagine those things, and you liked to leave the imagination up to your readers - at least I could, I have pictured them in my mind, like a movie roll playing the scenes. But it is still good that sometimes the writer (you) points that out, to make sure conversation doesn't rush through readers' imaginations.
Like this: "... Edward angry rattles the jail bars. ..." I love that.
But you always deliver. Whatever you present, is always great. Outstanding work!