(Helga says in order to spare you the injustice of reading, and Helga writing, we will forgo Helga says until after the story.) Helga says: Once Upon a Time, because all truly good stories begin this way, there was a little girl. This little girl was very ugly and disliked by many without a chance. This little girl was Helga. Though quite mannish and not at all appealing in our time of pale, fine boned beauties, the little girl was sweet and honest... for the most part. Her poor parents did not know what do to for they had very little coin, not enough to buy a husband for her, a dowry of that size is unheard of, that's for sure, and they despaired of ever seeing her in her proper place, married and bouncing babies upon her stout knee. Hearing her parents speaking softly one night, she knew of their disappointment and decided to run away so as to not cause them any further pain. She struck out alone, taking her older brother's clothing, and went to the docks. Masquerading as a man, little Helga jumped aboard a ship as a deckhand, her sturdy frame and ugly face helping her to hide amongst the men. Helga was very careful to hide her gender, seeing as how women are bad luck on ships. For many years, Helga sailed aboard varying vessels, learning the way of the sailor, as Henry of course. She became very good at it too. Then one fine day, her life changed. The English ship that Helga had been serving on was attacked by pirates! Their Captain was a small man. He looked at the woman standing before him, sniffed and asked, "Igor says why is this woman with the men?" The men looked about them confused, "What woman?" was asked several times. Finally, tired of their stupidity, Igor pulled Helga out of the line and turned her to them. "Igor say this woman," removing Helga's hat with a flourish. The crew still looked confused. Igor took it a step further, though Helga wished he hadn't. He unbuttoned her overcoat, exposing her still clothed, but very apparent assets. Understanding finally dawned. At that point there was much yelling and distress and Igor settled the matter by taking Helga with him. The ugly woman soon became a woman again, though with a few quirks. Because of her time masquerading as a man, her speech pattern changed to include her mostly forgotten female name. Helga is Helga and must remind herself often of that fact and does so by saying Helga says. Eventually Igor decided Helga was good stuff. Her skills at sailing, cannon and healing were a huge asset for him, not to mention she could cook a lot better than the Chief Steward. He finally gave up and married Helga, thinking her beautiful. Now Igor and Helga enjoy a full life of pirating. And that is all Helga has to say.