dierock
Swashbuckler
Gather around, lads and lasses, because me gots a tale to tell. It be one with action, adventure, comedy, and rum... mostly rum but I be gettin' to that later. Fer now, let me begin me story with a lard in a bar, Jack Prowage. He be barely able t'afford his own rum money, the poor lad, but soon that be all about to change. One night, as fate would have it, he be drinkin away his sorrows an' passed out from his alcoholic ways. Anywho, at the time, Ol' Jack was about to get the shock of his life.
Now, it be unkown what may have been in the lad's drink that night besides rum, but he claimed to have seen some funny things. During Jack's blackout, he had met wit' no other than Cap'n Jack himself (not Prowage, me be talkin' 'bout Sparrow here), who telled to him he be the chosen one to defeat Jolly Rodger and free the Carribean from Jolly's reign of terror. Good ol' Cap'n Jack [Sparrow] was generous 'nuff to give ye ol' hero Jack [Prowage] a sword, and said to the lad precisely "This be yer only key fer' defeatin' that no good rascal scallywag of a pirate Jolly Rodger." before a crew of undead henchmen began a-chasin' Mr. Sparrow far away, to which Jack Prowage, the town's renowned lardy drunk, awoke from the 'orrible "trip", if ye will, to find the same ol' sword he seen in his said "trip" lyin' on his lap.
Jack realized what he must do. The lad set up, guzzled down a barrel of rum, and ran clear out the tavern, sword in hand, and was caught by navy. His sword bein' confiscated, poor Ol' Jack was locked into a prison. "Back to square one", he began thinkin' to himself, did he, the poor lard. Then he heard a cannon, and looked out his ol' block window. To his astonishment, in front of his very eyes be the Black Pearl, the fabled ship of Cap'n Jack Sparrow himself.
Struck with fear, he cowered beneath his ol' prison bed, an' set there till he heard a clangin' sound. There in front of his very eyes, be no other than good ol' Cap'n Jack Sparrow himself. He was sword fightin' a navy prison guard, before a cannon shot through the wall and blew the guard straight to the divines above.
Understandably nervous, Jack Prowage got up, and said, whilst shakin' like a maraca from Spain, "C-Cap'n Jack! It-It's really you!", to which Jack walked over to his cell, kicked the lad's door wide open like a good gent, held out the formentioned sword an' said to Jackyboy "And I believe this be yours.". He then preceeded t'cut the chains off of Ol' Jacks wrists and ankles usin' the same sword he had gave Mr. Prowage in his ol' "trip", so t'speak. Jack grabbed Jack by the arm (Sparrow grabbed Prowage) and told him "Now come along, there ain't much time before this place becomes a bloody junkyard.". As he be escortin' Prowage out of the prison he had been in, Jack [Prowage, not Sparrow] was thinkin' about how this be his big chance - his big chance t'start over from new beginnings - and be known fer bein' perhaps the bravest hero to ever grace the Seven Seas.
Once Jack got him over to the ol' trusty Pearl, Prowage started askin' fer reasons why he be saved by no other than Cap'n Jack himself. Once Jack Sparrow was asked dis particyelar question as to 'bout why he saved em, Jack [Sparrow] simply said "Because ye be special, lad. That's why.", and before Prowage could says another word, let alone ask 'nother question 'bout what he meaned by "special", Jolly Rodger himself appeared, pulled out a divine-lookin' sword, and ran right through poor ol' Jack [Sparrow]. He then turned to soon-t-'-be-new-Cap'n Prowage and said to him "I BE SEEIN' YE SOON, MR. PROWAGE!", and as Jolly faded away into seemin'ly thin air, a skeleton army began emergin' from the Port Royal graveyard. Realizin' he had no other choice, he set his sails faster than the force o' light itself, and sped out of the ol' harbor, sayin' his final goodbyes to his ol' drinkin' buddies, an' headed fer Tortuga to get a better crew, or to find out what be happenin'. Oh yea, and he kept Cap'n Jack aboard because he felt bad 'bout throwin' him overboard (which, accordin' to popyelar belief 'round these parts, was a bad mistake; it stunk BAD, let me tell ye).
Anywho, once Cap'n Jack enter'd town, he couldn't believe his own eyes. There, be in front of him, a entire welcomin' committee set up fer Ol' Jack Sparrow. Once he explained what happen'd to the ol' townsfolk, they all agreed to help 'em faster than cannons on a ship. As they boarded, he felt a urge of power and glory, and he knew he be destiny'd fer greatness. "SET SAIL! ALL HANDS ON DECK, BE PREPARED FER ANYTING!" he order'd, and they all listen'd, not wantin' t'end up lookin' like ol' Jack Sparrow (which is funny because accordin' t'eyewitnesses, Cap'n Prowage put on Dead Cap'n Jacks' hat immediately after.)
As time went on, people on the ol' crew began to worry that Cap'n Prowage knew nothin' 'bout what he was doin' - and they was right. Poor Prowage continued his drinkin' ways, and, when usin' a practice sword, couldn't lift it 2 inches off the ol' deck. They was about ready to make him walk the plank, and they would've, if it weren't for one man - Joshamee Gibbs. He, being a fellow alcoholic, knew how Jack be feelin', and so he helped his captain back to his ol' privateerin' days. Ready to fight, Jack Prowage began to realize what he must do - no, not drink more rum - slay none other than Jolly Rodger himself; And Cap'n Jack felt ready.
He was blowin' every ship he came across outta the water, takin' the men from the ships aboard, and takin' all the good stuff - including, ye guess'd it, rum - aboard as well. Why he didn't just start a fleet? The world will never know, but that be a story fer another time. He met all of the pirate lords and either wiped them out and took their men or he would ally with 'em and make best friends. But was it enough to defeat ol' Jolly Rodger himself?
The day finally comed along; it was time t'find out who were really the better man (or ghoul, as in the case of Rodger). Jack Prowage sailed in, after getting a nightmare of Jolly himself tellin' Jack face-t'-face t'meet him in b'tween the Isles of Padres Del Fuego and Isla Cangrejos. "IT BE AN AMBUSH!!!", muttered the lookout b'fore 12 large ships surrounded Jack's boat.
Jack got drunk as possible, wanting to be drunk and happy when he be dead, when a familiar sound he heard - cannon into wood! He look'd out o' his ol' boat and saw none other than all o' the other pirate lords surroundin' Jolly's fleet. Jolly watched in horror whilst yer boy Jack watched in complete awe as the boats was blowed to - to quote Jack Sparrow - "a bloody junkyard.". It was down to only Jolly and his ship vs all o' the pirate lords, includin' yers truly, Jack Prowage. Jolly Rodger yell'd out the now-famous name "PROOOOWWWAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEE" as he watch'd his precious undead army bein' slaughter'd in front of his very eyes.
Prowage knew what he must do. He grabbed Sparrow's hat an' put it on, grab'd his trusty ol' sword - which Sparrow gave him - and commanded to pull up to the side o' the boat. He shot a fistful o' grapple shots right at the "bloody junkyard" of a boat, and began t'board. He cut through the remainin' skeletons, and was face-t'-face wit' no other than Mr. Rodgers himself. Jolly then killed him and he died; Just kiddin' lads, relax! Jack, lookin' into the empty eye sockets of sea's satan himself, he pulled out his sword, thrusted it into the heart of ol' Rodger, and yelled "FER JACK!!!" as he thrusted the sword deep into the heart of ol' Rodger, killin' the evil being once and fer all, and, as the prophecy said, ending his reign of tyranny o'er the Carribean.
The eyewitnesses there had witnessed 4 things that fateful expedition - The death of a hero, and the dawn of a new one, and a death of a era [one of tyranny] and the start of another [o' harmony]. He lifted the sword up somehow, despite bein' drunker than a landlubber, and with that, saved the Carribean, once and fer all. And so ends the tale of Jack Prowage, "The Lard Who Saved the Day".
-Hope ye enjoyed,
Jack Prowage Meself
Now, it be unkown what may have been in the lad's drink that night besides rum, but he claimed to have seen some funny things. During Jack's blackout, he had met wit' no other than Cap'n Jack himself (not Prowage, me be talkin' 'bout Sparrow here), who telled to him he be the chosen one to defeat Jolly Rodger and free the Carribean from Jolly's reign of terror. Good ol' Cap'n Jack [Sparrow] was generous 'nuff to give ye ol' hero Jack [Prowage] a sword, and said to the lad precisely "This be yer only key fer' defeatin' that no good rascal scallywag of a pirate Jolly Rodger." before a crew of undead henchmen began a-chasin' Mr. Sparrow far away, to which Jack Prowage, the town's renowned lardy drunk, awoke from the 'orrible "trip", if ye will, to find the same ol' sword he seen in his said "trip" lyin' on his lap.
Jack realized what he must do. The lad set up, guzzled down a barrel of rum, and ran clear out the tavern, sword in hand, and was caught by navy. His sword bein' confiscated, poor Ol' Jack was locked into a prison. "Back to square one", he began thinkin' to himself, did he, the poor lard. Then he heard a cannon, and looked out his ol' block window. To his astonishment, in front of his very eyes be the Black Pearl, the fabled ship of Cap'n Jack Sparrow himself.
Struck with fear, he cowered beneath his ol' prison bed, an' set there till he heard a clangin' sound. There in front of his very eyes, be no other than good ol' Cap'n Jack Sparrow himself. He was sword fightin' a navy prison guard, before a cannon shot through the wall and blew the guard straight to the divines above.
Understandably nervous, Jack Prowage got up, and said, whilst shakin' like a maraca from Spain, "C-Cap'n Jack! It-It's really you!", to which Jack walked over to his cell, kicked the lad's door wide open like a good gent, held out the formentioned sword an' said to Jackyboy "And I believe this be yours.". He then preceeded t'cut the chains off of Ol' Jacks wrists and ankles usin' the same sword he had gave Mr. Prowage in his ol' "trip", so t'speak. Jack grabbed Jack by the arm (Sparrow grabbed Prowage) and told him "Now come along, there ain't much time before this place becomes a bloody junkyard.". As he be escortin' Prowage out of the prison he had been in, Jack [Prowage, not Sparrow] was thinkin' about how this be his big chance - his big chance t'start over from new beginnings - and be known fer bein' perhaps the bravest hero to ever grace the Seven Seas.
Once Jack got him over to the ol' trusty Pearl, Prowage started askin' fer reasons why he be saved by no other than Cap'n Jack himself. Once Jack Sparrow was asked dis particyelar question as to 'bout why he saved em, Jack [Sparrow] simply said "Because ye be special, lad. That's why.", and before Prowage could says another word, let alone ask 'nother question 'bout what he meaned by "special", Jolly Rodger himself appeared, pulled out a divine-lookin' sword, and ran right through poor ol' Jack [Sparrow]. He then turned to soon-t-'-be-new-Cap'n Prowage and said to him "I BE SEEIN' YE SOON, MR. PROWAGE!", and as Jolly faded away into seemin'ly thin air, a skeleton army began emergin' from the Port Royal graveyard. Realizin' he had no other choice, he set his sails faster than the force o' light itself, and sped out of the ol' harbor, sayin' his final goodbyes to his ol' drinkin' buddies, an' headed fer Tortuga to get a better crew, or to find out what be happenin'. Oh yea, and he kept Cap'n Jack aboard because he felt bad 'bout throwin' him overboard (which, accordin' to popyelar belief 'round these parts, was a bad mistake; it stunk BAD, let me tell ye).
Anywho, once Cap'n Jack enter'd town, he couldn't believe his own eyes. There, be in front of him, a entire welcomin' committee set up fer Ol' Jack Sparrow. Once he explained what happen'd to the ol' townsfolk, they all agreed to help 'em faster than cannons on a ship. As they boarded, he felt a urge of power and glory, and he knew he be destiny'd fer greatness. "SET SAIL! ALL HANDS ON DECK, BE PREPARED FER ANYTING!" he order'd, and they all listen'd, not wantin' t'end up lookin' like ol' Jack Sparrow (which is funny because accordin' t'eyewitnesses, Cap'n Prowage put on Dead Cap'n Jacks' hat immediately after.)
As time went on, people on the ol' crew began to worry that Cap'n Prowage knew nothin' 'bout what he was doin' - and they was right. Poor Prowage continued his drinkin' ways, and, when usin' a practice sword, couldn't lift it 2 inches off the ol' deck. They was about ready to make him walk the plank, and they would've, if it weren't for one man - Joshamee Gibbs. He, being a fellow alcoholic, knew how Jack be feelin', and so he helped his captain back to his ol' privateerin' days. Ready to fight, Jack Prowage began to realize what he must do - no, not drink more rum - slay none other than Jolly Rodger himself; And Cap'n Jack felt ready.
He was blowin' every ship he came across outta the water, takin' the men from the ships aboard, and takin' all the good stuff - including, ye guess'd it, rum - aboard as well. Why he didn't just start a fleet? The world will never know, but that be a story fer another time. He met all of the pirate lords and either wiped them out and took their men or he would ally with 'em and make best friends. But was it enough to defeat ol' Jolly Rodger himself?
The day finally comed along; it was time t'find out who were really the better man (or ghoul, as in the case of Rodger). Jack Prowage sailed in, after getting a nightmare of Jolly himself tellin' Jack face-t'-face t'meet him in b'tween the Isles of Padres Del Fuego and Isla Cangrejos. "IT BE AN AMBUSH!!!", muttered the lookout b'fore 12 large ships surrounded Jack's boat.
Jack got drunk as possible, wanting to be drunk and happy when he be dead, when a familiar sound he heard - cannon into wood! He look'd out o' his ol' boat and saw none other than all o' the other pirate lords surroundin' Jolly's fleet. Jolly watched in horror whilst yer boy Jack watched in complete awe as the boats was blowed to - to quote Jack Sparrow - "a bloody junkyard.". It was down to only Jolly and his ship vs all o' the pirate lords, includin' yers truly, Jack Prowage. Jolly Rodger yell'd out the now-famous name "PROOOOWWWAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEE" as he watch'd his precious undead army bein' slaughter'd in front of his very eyes.
Prowage knew what he must do. He grabbed Sparrow's hat an' put it on, grab'd his trusty ol' sword - which Sparrow gave him - and commanded to pull up to the side o' the boat. He shot a fistful o' grapple shots right at the "bloody junkyard" of a boat, and began t'board. He cut through the remainin' skeletons, and was face-t'-face wit' no other than Mr. Rodgers himself. Jolly then killed him and he died; Just kiddin' lads, relax! Jack, lookin' into the empty eye sockets of sea's satan himself, he pulled out his sword, thrusted it into the heart of ol' Rodger, and yelled "FER JACK!!!" as he thrusted the sword deep into the heart of ol' Rodger, killin' the evil being once and fer all, and, as the prophecy said, ending his reign of tyranny o'er the Carribean.
The eyewitnesses there had witnessed 4 things that fateful expedition - The death of a hero, and the dawn of a new one, and a death of a era [one of tyranny] and the start of another [o' harmony]. He lifted the sword up somehow, despite bein' drunker than a landlubber, and with that, saved the Carribean, once and fer all. And so ends the tale of Jack Prowage, "The Lard Who Saved the Day".
-Hope ye enjoyed,
Jack Prowage Meself